Dancing At Lunacy

It’s that time of year again, having a good ole listen (and watch) of this year’s entries and picking my favourites.  Note, official video is not the same as what we might see on stage in Malmo. This year we have lots of uh-uh oh-ohing, nonsense lyrics (NL), featured animals (FA), and of course Terry’s favourite, plenty of scantily clad whallopers (SCW).  The bookies and I agree on the top 3, but vehemently disagree on Denmark (I think it’s great!) and Greece (I’m not a fan).  So.  In alphabetical order…..

Albania – Titan

Pretty lady in a pearl face mask on a horse, wrapped in a duvet, and in a bath of rose petals.  In a red dress with slits so high at the sides one has to ask if she is actually wearing underwear.  I don’t really like this Lady Gaga vocal style. Verdict – NQ

Armenia

I still can’t get my head around the odd time signature, but there’s some ethnic trumpet playing while the singer strokes a chicken (FA)  in a big knit cardi. Verdict – quirky enough to garner some support.

Australia – One Milkali

Love love, peace peace, featuring some indigenous singing and lyrics, the video is very odd, as it just shows the lyrics with the 2 singers not actually singing, just smiling and bobbing their heads about. Very reminiscent of The Beloved’s Sweet Harmony. NLs abound – 0.618? Spill the tea on reality? Fleetwood Macs and Janets?  I need a translator. I do like the digeridoo, hope it makes an appearance on stage!  Bit of a grower.  Verdict –  2 point.

Austria – We will rave

Catchy hook, « We rum de dum dum de We will rave » (NL) from a SCW with a techno break and a steamy video. Sounds like Rhythm is a Dancer, and another no-knicks dress.  Do people still go to raves?  It’ll go down well at parties.  Verdict – 1 point

Azerbaijan – Fahree

Ethnic wind instruments

Ethnic percussion rhythm

Ethnic half-notes

Ethnic yodelling

Reminiscent of Madonna’s Frozen

Verdict – will qualify and then underperform

Belgium – Before the Party is over

There’s emotionally overblown, and then there’s Mustii’s giving it 110% whilst writhing around semi-naked covered in glitter, going see how dramatic I can be?  It’s all terribly The Show Must Go On angst-ridden earnest, not a feel good song,  and I don’t like it much. But it will get votes.  Verdict – a grudging 3 points

Croatia – Rim Tim Tagi Dim (NL)

Bookies favourite apparently, it ticks a lot of Euroviz bingo boxes with the nonsense title, some stupid dance moves, bread making, cows and some chickens (FA).  Oh, and a one eyed cat being asked to meow back.  It’ll raise the roof in the hall! Verdict – it’s a 10 from me, be happy if it wins.

Cyprus – Liar

SCW in a gold suit, otherwise instantly forgettable. NL Wake up in the morning and I feel like Oooh lala. Verdict – NQ

Czechia – Pedestal

Shouty SCW reminiscent of Avril Lavigne or Garbage. Brave to bring a song about domestic violence to Eurovision.  You stay silent, I get violent.  Verdict – NQ

Denmark – Sand

Very competent and relatable performance, of a well-crafted song. I’d expect this to finish well up the left had side of the board. Uh-uh ooooh bit will have the crowd singing along. NL shouldn’t be so hard like breathing underwater.  Verdict – I give 8 points, but the bookies don’t rate it.

Estonia – some big long name that no-one is ever going to be able to pronounce

Bonkers Bassy Beardy rap with ethnic stringed instruments.  Nope, still can’t find the melody. Reminds me of Mongolian band The Hu (seriously look them up!).  It’ll have a certain type of fan.  Verdict – bottom of the RHS

Finland – No Rules

I’m mad, me, Windows 95 Man, does quite a lot of screeching.  I’d be happy to never hear this again. Verdict – bottom of RHS

France – Mon Amour

Passionately delivered typical French ballad, with very breathy vocals, in a mirror ball suit. NL create an ocean in the fire, though the lyrics are pretty easy to follow.  One for my French class to translate.  Verdict – 4 points

Georgia – Firefighter

SCW does a remix of Ruslana’s Wild Dances.  NL I’m running like tigers.  Verdict – NQ

Germany – Always on the Run

Big bear chap in a leather jacket, but it’s a dreary generic radio pop song that won’t stand out.  Lewis Capaldi inspired. NL I know my blessing with the privilege. Shame, I always like songs about running! Verdict – will be hovering round the bottom of the table.

Greece – Zazi

Bit of Greek folk dancing mixed with I’m so trendy rapping.  Sounds like Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. NL I fall and move like dice.  Verdict – mid table

Iceland – Scared of Heights

Alison Moyet lookalike with a very bland, dated and unoriginal song and staging. Verdict – NQ

Ireland – Doomsday Blue

2 songs in one.  A soft and melodic verse, interspersed with a VERY SHOUTY chorus.  There’s some horror movie voodoo Avada Kadava spell casting going on, but I can’t be sure.  Ireleand have struggled to qualify in recent years, and I think Bambie Thug will join the others on the bench.  Verdict – probably qualify but only cos there are at least 11 songs worse.

Israel – Hurricane 

Very plodding, though the video features some operatic and balletic comtempto-waft dancers. NL someone stole the moon tonight.  Hard to keep politics out of things, and there are fisticuffs on t’internet between those who think the song is the best thing since sliced matzos, and those who are vehemently opposed to even taking part in the contest, let alone giving any votes to Israel. Verdict – right hand side of board.

Italy – La noia

Very catchy, this party in a song easily becomes an earworm, I just wish I knew enough Italian to be able to sing along with the rest of it. Hairography a feature in the video, and the singer is extremely good. I’m secretly hoping it’s a hymn to the Discworld goddess of Things That Get Stuck In Drawers, Anoia. Reminds me of Las Ketchup, or Chanel’s Slo Mo, I’m bopping around the kitchen to it.  Please stylists, resist the urge to put Angelina in a skimpy outfit. Verdict – 9 points

Latvia – Hollow

Slow and heavy.  It does not improve on subsequent re-listens.  Video features Hanibal Lecter in a sandpit. Verdict – NQ

Lithuania – Luktelk

Backstreet Boys sing an ode to quinoa (NL), in a remix of Tick-tock, What You Waiting For. Verdict – 5 points

Luxembourg – Fighter

Welcome back Luxembourg, who haven’t competed for years, despite being previous winners.  Sung in French and English, with ethnic drums, sounds like Destinys Child Charlie’s Angels song, but I fear it won’t stand out enough.  Verdict – might qualify, but won’t be a points gatherer.

Malta – Loop

SCW performs an assisted somersault – geddit? Verdict – NQ

Moldova – In the Middle

Identikit blondes perform synchronised fiddling. Verdict – NQ

Nederlands – Europapa

Oh God what nonsense is this!  In Dutch!  With rapping!  Big comedy wig/ shoulder-pads/ glasses/ hat.  Turns into No No Limits half way through.  The video has a more reflective ending, though I’m not sure that will make it to the stage.  Juries will hate it, under 8s will be jumping up and down in delight. Verdict – 2 points

Norway – Ulveham

High screechy intro, but not unlike Loreen.  Folksy melody, with a high screechy chorus.  They think they are Evanescence.  They are not. Verdict – might scrape into the final

Poland – The Tower

Quiz show theme tune.  Verdict – NQ

Portugal – Grito

Deep and meaningful, with masked backing singers.  We are 1 minute in, and I’m already thinking Oh Lordi how much more of this can I stand?  Verdict –  scrapes into final 26 at number 26.

San Marino – 11.11

Pink hair, schoolgirls, messy chaotic video.  Is the title a time? Verdict – NQ.  In fact, my last place out of 37.

Serbia – Ramonda

One of several songs this year to have a girl’s name as the title.  Nice close harmony build up, but otherwise forgettable. NL everything is quiet just like underwater. Verdict – NQ

Slovenia – Veronika

SCW does a lot of screaming surrounded by semi naked men. Verdict – NQ

Spain – Zarra

Video is Paloma Faith at a hen do, turns into a SCW surrounded by male strippers. Verdict – right hand side.

Sweden – Unforgettable

Electronic banger from Sweden’s answer to Jedward (except they can actually sing).  Daft Lyrics and a do-re-mi-fa-so hook. Verdict – 7 points

Switzerland – The Code

Falsetto reminiscent of Mika, some heavy breathing and a mini opera, crossing The Magic Flute with Lafayette’s high speed rapping.  Oho oh oh, hook, Like Ammonites, I just gave it some time (NL), and lots of running around in a tutu.  This year’s Bond theme song (Billie Eyelash/ Sam Smith era), if not a whole Bond movie condensed into 3 minutes.   Verdict – my favourite, 12 points

Ukraine – Teresa and Maria

Heartfelt Sisters doing it for the sisterhood, paying tribute to Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary, and the struggles that women face.  Truly awful rapping. But people will vote for Ukraine.  Verdict – 6 points

UK – Dizzy

Olly is an inspired choice to represent UK this year, and by all accounts his live vocals are up to the challenge.  There’s a sweet little change to major key in the chorus, in amongst an interesting chord sequence.  So, a decent song which I know will be performed brilliantly, but it won’t stand out.  Verdict – right hand side of board, but hopefully avoiding the dreaded nul points!

So – who are your ones to watch this year?

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What a blast!

When Ukraine won in 2022, but were unable to host it, the UK, whose Sam Ryder had been runner up, took on the responsibility. The host city was declared as Liverpool, a good choice given its rich musical heritage. Having previously been able to attend the world’s greatest party in EuroViennaSlava, I was very excited to be able to attend this one.

It got off to a worrying start. The plane prices had been extortionate, so I was booked as a foot passenger on the 10.30 ferry from Belfast to Birkenhead. At 7.30 am I tried scheduling a taxi, but was unable to. At 7.45 I tried booking a cab for now, and kept getting automated messages saying “we’ve got your booking, thank you for your patience”. At 8.20 the cab company rang me to say they wouldn’t have anything for at least another 15 minutes, and did I want to cancel. The ferry had a 30 minute delay, which gave me a wee bit more time, but check in was due to close at 9.30. I grabbed my wheely suitcase and set of to speed walk to the train station a mile away, hoping to catch a fast train to Belfast and then pick up a taxi to the docks there. And as luck would have it, there is a taxi rank at the top of the hill, where a vacant cab was waiting. I explained the urgency of our mission, which the driver accepted, and we set off, both anxiously biting our nails in the slow moving rush hour traffic. But as we emerged from the Westlink at 9 o’clock, we knew we were going to make it OK. I’d had visions of me doing a Will Ferrell in Fire Saga and having to swim part of the way!

The boat was remarkably quiet. I’m familiar with the Scottish routes, which are usually packed and noisy, but when I secured a seat in the Hygge lounge I was the only person there! I broke the 8 hour journey up with reading my book, playing Scrabble online, doing a crossword, watching a movie in one of the ship’s 2 cinemas, taking a walk round the whole of the boat, enjoying a GnT from the bar while passing the Isle of Man, and discovering licorice flavoured Haribos in the shop.

As we glided onto the Birkenhead terminal, the familiar Liverpool skyline was clear on the other side of the Mersey, with a big Eurovision welcome banner, and bright lights shining from the Eurovillage stage. Former neighbours of mine, and fellow parkrunner, were to be my hosts for a few days, and they met me at the pick up point. We had a good catch up over a lovely dinner.

Thursday was semi-final day, and I had managed to get tickets for the afternoon preview show. I was dressed in tribute to last year’s winners, the Kalush Orchestra, and on the bus journey into town we played “spot the other Euroviz fans”. Liverpool had totally embraced its job as host city, with huge brightly coloured signs everywhere, lots of blue and yellow for the Ukrainian flag, pop up performances, Ukrainian songbirds, and volunteers ready to answer any question or take photos. We spotted radio star and Strictly contestant Ritchie Anderson, who was happy to pose for a picture with us, and said “loving the Kalush pink hat!”

A glass of fizz to get us in the mood by the waterfront, admiring the floating globe, and then we made our way to the queue at the arena. It didn’t take overly long to get through, with plenty of opportunity to admire the great costumes of other audience members.

And then we were in the arena. Gasps of wonder and astonishment at the sheer size of it and the amazing stage, plus pinching ourselves that were actually here! Previous Euro tunes kept the audience’s spirits up, with lots of singing along, and chatting to neighbours. A warm up man came out to go through housekeeping rules, and check that we were able to cheer loudly.

And then, the familiar Charpentier Te Deum began, with a shiver of excitement rippling throughout the hall. The presenters appeared and the dress rehearsal began. Each of the live shows has a number of full run-throughs, to allow all the camera positions to be checked, timing of bits in between songs, any interviews to be fine tuned, and other technical aspects to be tested. The stage was very shiny, with LED lights that could pin point where each artist was to be position. When one song ended, and the TV footage switched to the “postcards”, an army of stage crew appeared and cleared the stage of the previous performer’s props and staging, sweep the floor with at least 3 or 4 wide brooms, and get the next performance ready to go. It was a majorly impressive operation.

I’d already listened to all the of songs, so I knew which one was going to be my “toilet break” song. And after one particular number, (I’ll spare their blushes), I said “If that qualifies I will eat my pink bucket hat!” This semi finished with my own favourite, Australia’s Voyager fulfilling one of their own dreams. “Promise” is a proper stadium rock song with a synth-tastic 80s influence, complete with a keytar, and it proved to be a fittingly rousing way to round off the show

In the preview shows the voting is also rehearsed, with stand in crew in each of the green room pods, and fake results announced. We decided we would avoid the crowds and leave before these were complete, and on exiting the arena we were given a Moroccan Oil tote bag in fetching teal and white, containing a miniature hand cream and hair treatment. They are the main contest sponsors, and the bag will be a very useful beach bag.

Heading to the Eurovillage, there was quite a queue to get in, and as we entered the rain started, and there is nowhere to shelter. I was disappointed by the village – I know it had lots of great live performances throughout the week, but I’d expected more stalls from the participating countries, not just bars and burger vans. We took shelter in Mowgli, a great Indian street food restaurant, before making our way home in time to watch the semi live on TV.

On the Friday we took a break from Euroviz and headed to Chester for a lovely stroll around the walls, through the gardens, before lunch at the new Chester market (highly recommended) and a drink in a sunny beer garden. It was great to hear the Mersey Rail announcements being made by Graham Norton.

Saturday morning is parkrun, and I was delighted to tick off another event in the gorgeous Birkenhead Park. They had a suitable Eurovision them, with blue and yellow bunting at the finish line, and costumes/ blue’n’yellow encouraged. I gave the Kalush outfit another go to dry it out after Thursday’s drenching, but it was quite warm running in a hat and waistcoat.

For the evening Final, I’d brought several possible outfits with me, but eventually chose an all over sparkly sequinned top. We were watching a live screening at the Everyman Theatre, and the buzz walking through the city centre was incredible. A welcome glass of prosecco greeted us, before we took our seats for some pre-show entertainment, emceed by a drag queen. When she found out I’d been to the same ballet school as Dana, she dragged me onstage for an impromptu duet. (“Do you wanna see me dance?”) Other audience members performed karaoke of some Euroviz classics, and did rather well, I thought!

The class of 23 included some typically bonkers entries, the most outstanding of which was Cha Cha Cha from Finland. This was a HUGE crowd pleaser – the energy in the arena with every one chanting along was electric, and a few of us took to the stage to dance along with the moves during the performance.

We’d agreed to leave after all the songs had been performed, switch off all social media, beat the crowds home and then watch the results on catch-up TV. Much as I loved Finland, I was delighted for Sweden, joining Ireland as the most successful countries, and for Loreen to be the first woman to win the contest twice. Hey, last time I was at the contest in 2015, when Mans won for Sweden – maybe I am their lucky mascot! Do you think if I contacted them they would give me a VIP pass to Stockholm next year?

The boat home on Sunday was just as calm and uncrowded, I even treated myself to the Stena Plus lounge, which has snacks and drinks available all day.

Well done Liverpool, a host city which totally embraced the madness, providing lots of activities, pop up performances and things to enjoy even for those who hadn’t got tickets. You’ll never sing alone.

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Right. I have listened to all the 2021 songs, downloaded the album to have while running, and have watched all the videos. I’ve grouped (most of) them by the common themes I’ve identified below. These of course are based on the video, the official staging might well be different. The bracket (1) indicates they are in the (tough!) first semi-final, (2) is the second, while an (A) indicates automatic qualification to the final.

1. French language

There are 3 songs in this category, 2 are sung completely in French, one just has a French title. But isn’t it interesting that these 3 are also the bookies top 3 (at time of writing)!

France (A)– Edith Piaf channelling, with delightful rolling Rs, a speeding up final verse, passionate delivery from a stunning looking woman with an amazing voice.  A fast waltz, with Hushabye Mountain hints. Voila!

Switzerland  (2) – sung in French, but with a softer accent than the France entry,  Tout l’univers delivers a haunting tune, with goose-pimply use of falsetto.  The video is a literal car crash, if not a metaphorical one.  But if the staging is just sad-man-at-a-piano it might not have a great impact.  But the song does build, and is not the same throughout.  It also hits the “spooky!” category (see later), and – always a good feature – a nod to The Beatles.

Malta (1) – Big girl with a funky sax. It’s just the title Je Me Casse, that’s in French, the rest is in English.  Though there is a very funny misheard line – Ladies if you feel like farting tonight, it’s all right.

2. Technicolour

First up is Australia (1).  They joined the contest in 2015, and have been serious contenders every year, Dani Im and Sound of Silence being very much the song that would’ve won under a different voting system.  They’ve consistently sent great songs….but this year I think with Montaigne (Cranberries soundalike in big boots) they will struggle to get to the final.  Technicolor is a bit wooden and stomp,  it doesn’t really hit any emotional buttons or be striking musically.  Sorry!

San Marino (2) – technicolour hair, singer is trying to find her inner Beyonce with Adenalina

Croatia (1)  – One of several Lady Gaga-likes,  with rainbow hair and teddies Tik Tok (bit of Croatian in one verse)

3. Pink Suits

Again, this is just based on the vids, and the final staging may well be different.  But here we have:

Israel  (1) – hairography, pink trouser suit, few shrill high notes that only dogs can hear, matchy matchy outifts, Set Me Free would be at home at a gay nightclub, always a good sign.

Serbia (2) – very fast! Identikit outfits , me love you long time, pink suit, Loco Loco

Sweden  (1) – pink suit, catchy Voices

4. Kids TV inspired

Germany (A)– kids TV “I’m mad, me” zany colourful ukulele playing, tune for I Don’t Feel Hate clearly takes its musical inspirations from Baby Shark

Bulgaria (2) – Growing Up is Getting Old – children’s nursery rhyme, music box

5. Lady Gaga wannabe

Moldova (2)  – Lady Gaga wannabe, the soft porn video is trashy, overly sexualised, and feels very out of place set against the many other “be yourself, believe in yourself, self worth” numbers this year.  Dancing ice cream cones, Sugar

Greece (2) – up tempo Last Dance, good running soundtrack, but reminiscent of a tampax advert with a white trouser wearing singer leaps onto a flying horse

see also Croatia and Cyprus

6. Religious connections

There are two songs titled Amen!

Austria (2)  – Chinese James Bond theme song  with Amen

Slovenia (1)  – more gospel.  More Amen.  Looks like Britney, sounds like Aretha

Czechia (2)– dreadlocks Bruno Mars thinks that “Omaga” will not offend anyone who might have been offended by “Oh My God”.  Dreadful lyrics: there ain’t no apocalypse, long as you’re here on my lips

Cyprus (1) – Lady Gaga inspired, sounds like Roxette, hint of nursery rhyme, the ethereal looking Elena with El Diablo

Norway (1) – really literal staging with the wings, chains, and surrounding demons, Fallen Angel is a slow bit of a dirge, I wouldn’t care if I never heard this again.  (it reminds me of something but can’t quite place it?)

7. Matching coloured outfits

Iceland  (2) – Dadi again, though not as catchy as Think About Things.  Matching outfits, bad dad-dance routine

Lithuania (1) – matching yellow suits, the Roop with Discoteque.  Mad dancing

Poland (2)  – afternoon quiz show theme tune, with a hint of Knight Rider, the Ride has a Bucks Fizz feel, matchy suits

Azerbaijan (1)  – hair, ethnic wind instrument Mata Hari, matchy matchy outfits

8. Other-worldy bad dream horror movie vibe (spooky!)

Albania (2) – Karma, folk instruments, big busty blonde, dark thriller with twins in a dream

Belgium (1)  – Hooverphonic with The Wrong Place, slow, murder mystery corpse bride feel, odd chord sequence

9. Rawk

We all loved Lordi, but can a rock number succeed at Eurovision?

Finland (2)  – Evanescence /Green Day/Limp Biskit Dark Side

Italy (A)– another rock number (Is ziti not a type of pasta?)

10. 3/4 time

Gerogia (2) – beard and bald, slow waltz You

Romania (1)– Loreen lookalike with a 6/8 waltz-time self-help pep talk surrounded by contempo-waft.

11. And the rest!

Denmark (2)– proper old skool in Danish, dad dancing

Estonia (2) – Lucky One, very slow and moody

Ireland (1) – another good running song, with a hint of Oirish tin whistle, Maps is a self affirmative hug-in-a-song.  Wiwiblogs love it, other fans worry that it wont make it out of the tough first semi.

Latvia  (2) Big Girls R Us, Moon is Rising, Greatest Showman, bit slow and ponderous, ostinato uh-aah is annoying

North Macedonia (1)– Andrew Lloyd Weber number Here I stand; big key change and a big finish, which adds to the musical theatre vibe.

Portugal (2) – nasal voice, white hat, simply red Black Mamba, Love is On My Side.  I don’t like this song, but I’ve heard their acoustic version of Fuego so I have great respect for their musicianship

Russia (1) – Shouting. Bazouki.  Off-the-beat ethnic drumming.  A Very admirable singer, and a positive message don’t be afraid to be yourself, but oh it’s so shouty and noisy!  Lil bit of politics creeping in (say it aint so!), and there’s no such thing as bad publicity

Spain (A)  – voy a quederma, boy band looks, otherwise forgettable

The Netherlands  (A)– Ladysmith Black mambasa, African inspired– Birth of a new age

Ukraine (1) – I hated it the first time I heard it, but it has really grown on me.  Love the gradual speeding up. Ethnic nose flute playing merged with techno, and the group is another accomplished combo who I’ve seen do Dancing Lasha Tumbai with aplomb.  Shum, indeed.

UK  (A) –  Embers from James Newman, upbeat summer top down car tune with brass band backing

Overall:

This is a great year’s songs, there are very few I really dislike.  A few growers, which won’t do well as many voters only get to see them once or twice.  I’d be happy for any of the 3 French bookies choice to win, but I also have a soft spot for Ukraine, Ireland, and Greece.

 

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