Dancing At Lunacy

It’s that time of year again, having a good ole listen (and watch) of this year’s entries and picking my favourites.  Note, official video is not the same as what we might see on stage in Malmo. This year we have lots of uh-uh oh-ohing, nonsense lyrics (NL), featured animals (FA), and of course Terry’s favourite, plenty of scantily clad whallopers (SCW).  The bookies and I agree on the top 3, but vehemently disagree on Denmark (I think it’s great!) and Greece (I’m not a fan).  So.  In alphabetical order…..

Albania – Titan

Pretty lady in a pearl face mask on a horse, wrapped in a duvet, and in a bath of rose petals.  In a red dress with slits so high at the sides one has to ask if she is actually wearing underwear.  I don’t really like this Lady Gaga vocal style. Verdict – NQ

Armenia

I still can’t get my head around the odd time signature, but there’s some ethnic trumpet playing while the singer strokes a chicken (FA)  in a big knit cardi. Verdict – quirky enough to garner some support.

Australia – One Milkali

Love love, peace peace, featuring some indigenous singing and lyrics, the video is very odd, as it just shows the lyrics with the 2 singers not actually singing, just smiling and bobbing their heads about. Very reminiscent of The Beloved’s Sweet Harmony. NLs abound – 0.618? Spill the tea on reality? Fleetwood Macs and Janets?  I need a translator. I do like the digeridoo, hope it makes an appearance on stage!  Bit of a grower.  Verdict –  2 point.

Austria – We will rave

Catchy hook, « We rum de dum dum de We will rave » (NL) from a SCW with a techno break and a steamy video. Sounds like Rhythm is a Dancer, and another no-knicks dress.  Do people still go to raves?  It’ll go down well at parties.  Verdict – 1 point

Azerbaijan – Fahree

Ethnic wind instruments

Ethnic percussion rhythm

Ethnic half-notes

Ethnic yodelling

Reminiscent of Madonna’s Frozen

Verdict – will qualify and then underperform

Belgium – Before the Party is over

There’s emotionally overblown, and then there’s Mustii’s giving it 110% whilst writhing around semi-naked covered in glitter, going see how dramatic I can be?  It’s all terribly The Show Must Go On angst-ridden earnest, not a feel good song,  and I don’t like it much. But it will get votes.  Verdict – a grudging 3 points

Croatia – Rim Tim Tagi Dim (NL)

Bookies favourite apparently, it ticks a lot of Euroviz bingo boxes with the nonsense title, some stupid dance moves, bread making, cows and some chickens (FA).  Oh, and a one eyed cat being asked to meow back.  It’ll raise the roof in the hall! Verdict – it’s a 10 from me, be happy if it wins.

Cyprus – Liar

SCW in a gold suit, otherwise instantly forgettable. NL Wake up in the morning and I feel like Oooh lala. Verdict – NQ

Czechia – Pedestal

Shouty SCW reminiscent of Avril Lavigne or Garbage. Brave to bring a song about domestic violence to Eurovision.  You stay silent, I get violent.  Verdict – NQ

Denmark – Sand

Very competent and relatable performance, of a well-crafted song. I’d expect this to finish well up the left had side of the board. Uh-uh ooooh bit will have the crowd singing along. NL shouldn’t be so hard like breathing underwater.  Verdict – I give 8 points, but the bookies don’t rate it.

Estonia – some big long name that no-one is ever going to be able to pronounce

Bonkers Bassy Beardy rap with ethnic stringed instruments.  Nope, still can’t find the melody. Reminds me of Mongolian band The Hu (seriously look them up!).  It’ll have a certain type of fan.  Verdict – bottom of the RHS

Finland – No Rules

I’m mad, me, Windows 95 Man, does quite a lot of screeching.  I’d be happy to never hear this again. Verdict – bottom of RHS

France – Mon Amour

Passionately delivered typical French ballad, with very breathy vocals, in a mirror ball suit. NL create an ocean in the fire, though the lyrics are pretty easy to follow.  One for my French class to translate.  Verdict – 4 points

Georgia – Firefighter

SCW does a remix of Ruslana’s Wild Dances.  NL I’m running like tigers.  Verdict – NQ

Germany – Always on the Run

Big bear chap in a leather jacket, but it’s a dreary generic radio pop song that won’t stand out.  Lewis Capaldi inspired. NL I know my blessing with the privilege. Shame, I always like songs about running! Verdict – will be hovering round the bottom of the table.

Greece – Zazi

Bit of Greek folk dancing mixed with I’m so trendy rapping.  Sounds like Jai Ho from Slumdog Millionaire. NL I fall and move like dice.  Verdict – mid table

Iceland – Scared of Heights

Alison Moyet lookalike with a very bland, dated and unoriginal song and staging. Verdict – NQ

Ireland – Doomsday Blue

2 songs in one.  A soft and melodic verse, interspersed with a VERY SHOUTY chorus.  There’s some horror movie voodoo Avada Kadava spell casting going on, but I can’t be sure.  Ireleand have struggled to qualify in recent years, and I think Bambie Thug will join the others on the bench.  Verdict – probably qualify but only cos there are at least 11 songs worse.

Israel – Hurricane 

Very plodding, though the video features some operatic and balletic comtempto-waft dancers. NL someone stole the moon tonight.  Hard to keep politics out of things, and there are fisticuffs on t’internet between those who think the song is the best thing since sliced matzos, and those who are vehemently opposed to even taking part in the contest, let alone giving any votes to Israel. Verdict – right hand side of board.

Italy – La noia

Very catchy, this party in a song easily becomes an earworm, I just wish I knew enough Italian to be able to sing along with the rest of it. Hairography a feature in the video, and the singer is extremely good. I’m secretly hoping it’s a hymn to the Discworld goddess of Things That Get Stuck In Drawers, Anoia. Reminds me of Las Ketchup, or Chanel’s Slo Mo, I’m bopping around the kitchen to it.  Please stylists, resist the urge to put Angelina in a skimpy outfit. Verdict – 9 points

Latvia – Hollow

Slow and heavy.  It does not improve on subsequent re-listens.  Video features Hanibal Lecter in a sandpit. Verdict – NQ

Lithuania – Luktelk

Backstreet Boys sing an ode to quinoa (NL), in a remix of Tick-tock, What You Waiting For. Verdict – 5 points

Luxembourg – Fighter

Welcome back Luxembourg, who haven’t competed for years, despite being previous winners.  Sung in French and English, with ethnic drums, sounds like Destinys Child Charlie’s Angels song, but I fear it won’t stand out enough.  Verdict – might qualify, but won’t be a points gatherer.

Malta – Loop

SCW performs an assisted somersault – geddit? Verdict – NQ

Moldova – In the Middle

Identikit blondes perform synchronised fiddling. Verdict – NQ

Nederlands – Europapa

Oh God what nonsense is this!  In Dutch!  With rapping!  Big comedy wig/ shoulder-pads/ glasses/ hat.  Turns into No No Limits half way through.  The video has a more reflective ending, though I’m not sure that will make it to the stage.  Juries will hate it, under 8s will be jumping up and down in delight. Verdict – 2 points

Norway – Ulveham

High screechy intro, but not unlike Loreen.  Folksy melody, with a high screechy chorus.  They think they are Evanescence.  They are not. Verdict – might scrape into the final

Poland – The Tower

Quiz show theme tune.  Verdict – NQ

Portugal – Grito

Deep and meaningful, with masked backing singers.  We are 1 minute in, and I’m already thinking Oh Lordi how much more of this can I stand?  Verdict –  scrapes into final 26 at number 26.

San Marino – 11.11

Pink hair, schoolgirls, messy chaotic video.  Is the title a time? Verdict – NQ.  In fact, my last place out of 37.

Serbia – Ramonda

One of several songs this year to have a girl’s name as the title.  Nice close harmony build up, but otherwise forgettable. NL everything is quiet just like underwater. Verdict – NQ

Slovenia – Veronika

SCW does a lot of screaming surrounded by semi naked men. Verdict – NQ

Spain – Zarra

Video is Paloma Faith at a hen do, turns into a SCW surrounded by male strippers. Verdict – right hand side.

Sweden – Unforgettable

Electronic banger from Sweden’s answer to Jedward (except they can actually sing).  Daft Lyrics and a do-re-mi-fa-so hook. Verdict – 7 points

Switzerland – The Code

Falsetto reminiscent of Mika, some heavy breathing and a mini opera, crossing The Magic Flute with Lafayette’s high speed rapping.  Oho oh oh, hook, Like Ammonites, I just gave it some time (NL), and lots of running around in a tutu.  This year’s Bond theme song (Billie Eyelash/ Sam Smith era), if not a whole Bond movie condensed into 3 minutes.   Verdict – my favourite, 12 points

Ukraine – Teresa and Maria

Heartfelt Sisters doing it for the sisterhood, paying tribute to Mother Teresa and the Virgin Mary, and the struggles that women face.  Truly awful rapping. But people will vote for Ukraine.  Verdict – 6 points

UK – Dizzy

Olly is an inspired choice to represent UK this year, and by all accounts his live vocals are up to the challenge.  There’s a sweet little change to major key in the chorus, in amongst an interesting chord sequence.  So, a decent song which I know will be performed brilliantly, but it won’t stand out.  Verdict – right hand side of board, but hopefully avoiding the dreaded nul points!

So – who are your ones to watch this year?

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